Remembering
In early August, my grandfather (95) and grandmother (87) died on the same day: he, cancer, and she, cerebrovascular disease. I called him Nonno (Non for short, Italian for Grandfather), and she was simply Gram. My mother would instead take up the French Mémé for my children.
My grandparents were very present in my life from childhood to adolescence. I have many memories of them, and I’ll share a few to help color who they were, at least to me. They’d pick up me, my sister and my cousin from school and we’d spend the evening there, eating supper and then leaving for home. My cousin and I would spend time on the computer and occasionally watching TV.
I remember Non looking over my messy room when I was ~8 years old. I gestured over the scene I’d made, telling him, “This is the city!” and he mirthfully replied, “No, this is the city dump!” I remember working on the bathroom sink with him and needing to remove some grime from the pipe. I didn’t want to do it because it was yucky and he said, “Ah don’t be a baby!” and reached in and just removed it with his fingers. He’d take me to and from community college in my loser days; indulge in fun snacks, ask if we wanted more. He liked to stay busy and while I don’t know the details, I understand retiring wasn’t easy for him.
Gram was cheerful and I have only one memory of ever being scolded. She took me to the chess club at the library and eventually to a chess tournament that I lost fairly rapidly. She practiced massage therapy and had worked on me a few times. The computer at her house was hers and she had decent computer literacy for a while. I want to say I sent her an email once but I cannot remember. When she was a girl, she’d walk with her classmates past a hospital (or medical building) and point to it saying she wanted to work there when she grows up. She became a registered nurse and did just that; this has always stuck with me.
I will regret not making it to their funeral. I moved away from Rhode Island and all family in February 2019, down to South Carolina to start the next phase of my life. I thought we’d visit more, but at that time, I didn’t know we wanted more kids. Circumstances have kept me rooted here, missing my sister’s wedding and now my grandparents’ funeral. I didn’t feel guilty, because it was unavoidable, but I still felt bad about it. I have a picture of them in a frame on my shelf. Mmm. What I should feel guilty for is not calling them since 2021. I could never bring myself to do it for some reason. I think there is some psychological effect of isolation and not seeing people for so long that contributed to my inability to do so. Still I will accept it as my own shittiness.
Legacy
A person is shaped by the sum of their life experiences and biological heritage. Our ancestors, therefore, transcend time; they live on within us. As I became a fully actualized adult, I started to draw parallels and be conscious of similar traits – both good and bad – that I had inherited from experience and biology. It’s surprising how much I attribute to my grandfather. I’m grateful to have inherited his and my father’s ambition and work ethic, even if it sorta drives me crazy. I don’t imagine that I am directly continuing his legacy, but I am a reverberation. I am grateful for him and for the life I have because of my grandparents.
Pictured is a decorative sign with the words, “all because two people fell in love.” It hangs on a wall in my grandparents’ house, accompanied by many pictures of the family. Since their deaths, I have been thinking more than I usually do – already a fair amount – about ancestry and legacy. Their decision to have five children lead to seven grandchildren and (currently) four great grandchildren. It was a necessary sacrifice they made, and it’s a sacrifice that many otherwise capable couples are opting out of in 2024. I cannot even comprehend the ripples that were made already, and certainly not what will be made, from their decision to have five kids. I wish I could have more. The love I feel from raising my children every day is something no one should opt out of.
I’ve decided that when the time comes, I will be ‘Nonno’ to my grandchildren. I do not have such a short memory that I should feel guilty about this because of how little communication I had with my grandparents in their final years. I was very satisfied with my grandparent experience and I will seek to be as great a grand-dad as him (or even better, as we all desire). I will continue making my ancestors’ sacrifice worth it, and so shall, in time, achieve transcendence of my own.